Let me say this about that.
I don't know about you, but I am at that very special age that makes plucking all those unwanted facial hairs beyond inconvenient: I CAN'T FUCKING SEE THEM ANYMORE! Even with a 10X or a 12X mirror. I can't see them easily.
Why is it that our 50's bless us with a forest full of facial hair and weaker eyesight and depth perception so all we can do is feel them....and stroke them....like a pipe smoking old man strokes his beard when he's thinking hard about how to tell you the great story of that big-ass fish he caught last weekend? I see visions of David Letterman's beard in my future if I can't contain this growth. But I digress.
Sorry....where was I?
Oh yeah, I turned some kind of magical corner that makes removing unwanted facial hair HELL.
If there isn't enough light near the mirror, I can't see the hair.
If I don't stretch the loose skin on my jawline or double chin, I can't pluck them.
When I look in the 10X or 12X mirror, and I finally see what needs plucking, many times the mirror's distortion hinders my hand-eye coordination and I can't maneuver my tweezers to meet the hair. I pluck more AIR than I do HAIR!
I get my brows professionally waxed every 6 weeks. Of course, I still have to pluck them during that 6 weeks or they get quite unruly. And then there is all that upper lip, jawline, and under my chin hair that IS NOT WELCOME. In my younger days I really didn't care about any of that. I was lucky. Since I am a "used to be blonde-ish" gal, my facial hair is light in color. However, in my 30's, I got a batch of really strong birth control pills and the course black hairs here and there seemed to be everywhere. That was the gift that keeps giving well into my 50's. Growing older brings them too, because you just can't have too many.
At any rate, I used the razor on them but that irritates my skin. I went back to plucking them and that is tedious and time consuming. So I thought I would try the microwaveable facial wax. I researched brands and read comments. That was a waste of time. There wasn't a brand that stood out from the crowd that made me feel like I needed to order it.
Sunday, I stopped by a local Sally's Beauty Supply store and bought GiGi's Strip Free Facial Wax. I went on Amazon and got some wood applicators when I couldn't find those locally for some reason. Everything came together today and I was ready. I carefully read the directions on the jar, did what the words told me to do and here is what happened:
Microwave ding.....Wax is warm.
I dip the applicator in the wax, breaking the top layer to get to the gooey center, as instructed.
I test it on my wrist to make sure I wasn't going to give myself a third degree burn.
Then I put a little on my chin. But wait.....
While applying the wax to my chin, it drips on the counter, the cabinets and my chest.
Since I was in the kitchen (that is where the microwave is) I brought my handheld 12X mirror. I inspected my handiwork.
WTF? It looks like a swarm of bees took a collective dump on the fatty part of my double chin.
I perform a face distortion that makes me resemble Mitch McConnell.....if he too received a swarm of bees' collective dump on the fatty part of his chin.
They tell you on the jar, if you leave the wax on too long, it becomes brittle and hard to remove. Well, I surely don't want to do that!
I had to put the mirror down, because I knew I might need both hands. I start peeling up a little corner so that I can yank that unwanted hair out. But.....wait....
The corner I was peeling up came loose from the blob. So I tried again.
Another little bitty chunk came off. OMG! This wax is NOT coming off much less taking any hair with it.
I took another gander at my reflection in that 12x mirror. FUCK ME RUNNING!!! Who the hell is that with a sticky beard of honey colored chunks of wax...or is that Mitch McConnell with a skin disease? I stood in the kitchen for 20 minutes picking wax off my chin. Not one fucking hair came off with the wax. I realize a better blogger would have visual proof of this adventure, but when a girl looks like turtle man Mitch with a skin disease, there will be no visual proof! So y'all will just have to enjoy my words in lieu of photos.
After the 20 minutes of doing nothing but picking wax off my chin (again not one hair came off with the wax), I had to vacuum the floor to remove the little pieces of wax, wipe down the counters of all the excess wax, and pick the fallen wax off my chest.
I cussed and shook my head. What a waste of time and money.
After cleaning up the mess, I took it all back upstairs and filed it away under, "dumb shit I bought in 2020".
I took a shower.
I sit here writing this little ditty having finally removed every little bitty piece of shitty facial wax.
I'm stroking my still-intact David Letterman beard. I'm leaning in to the new lewk.
I hope the open bag of applicators I purchased can be used in a future craft project and I will soon Google, "How The Fuck Can I Re-use Shitty Facial Wax In New And Interesting Ways?".
Moral of this story.....just pay the girl or guy at your salon to do the extra facial waxing or use the razor. Better yet, adopt the Grace and Frankie season 5 attitude and say, "Fuck It!".
Maybe there is an opening for a bearded lady in the next carnival that comes by.
A girl can dream.
That is all.