January 1, 2020 I began, once again, to count my calories using the app MyFitnessPal. I had it in my head that maybe, just maybe, I could lose 20 pounds by my birthday in March. It seemed doable on January 1 since I was allowing myself 10 1/2 weeks to accomplish this goal. But here I am at February 5 and I can honestly tell you....that ain't happening. Yes, I've continued to count the calories. I haven't missed a day recording all the food going in my mouth. I wear a Fitbit every day and count my steps. I try to get at least 8,000 steps a day. I avoid dessert, haven't had a drop to drink, and I have done my level best to control my binge eating issue.
Ask me how much weight I've lost. Go ahead, ask me. 5 pounds.
Now, I'm glad that I did that much, but my gladness won't last. Why? Because the weight loss is not permanent. It never is for me. To be quite honest, many days since January 1, 2020 I have eaten too many calories, but I do my best to record it anyway. Recording it or not, I am still getting slow results. I have not always walked 8,000 steps a day. I have good excuses for why I haven't done all the things I need to do to get the weight off more consistently. But, here's the deal.....1200 calories is too hard for me to maintain. I am SO damn hungry that it triggers overeating which can then lead to a binge. It is a ridiculous, vicious cycle that I've been in my entire life.
I love my Fitbit. I'm addicted to my Fitbit. However, between counting all my steps and counting all my calories, I am fucking EXHAUSTED! I have gone long stretches recording everything and long stretches NOT recording everything. The recording itself is just part of the cycle. And for all the effort, I'm not getting results in the form of weight loss. I will say that I prefer just counting my steps. At least I know that I am moving consistently. Even when I am sick or my back is acting up, I can see quickly just how active or inactive I am. But just moving does not equal weight loss. It has to be a combination. What that correct combination is, beats the hell out of me.
My friends, is this all worth it? I'm questioning all of this.
Even in my skinny days in my late 20's after losing 50 pounds on Nutri-System (It worked then, but I would not recommend it), I had to run a minimum of 2 miles per day to keep the weight off. I had to skip meals and walk around light headed to keep my trim figure. Granted, I was able to do this for about 10 years straight, but that was the last time I was able to "control" my weight for a long stretch of time. There were other times when I lost a good amount of weight in my late 30's (Jenny Craig), my early 40's (Jenny Craig & portion control) and then in 2013 I lost around 40 pounds thanks to a drug called Topamax and with the use of MyFitnessPal. I do NOT recommend this drug to anyone. The drug may have helped with my metabolism and weight loss, but it also helped advance my optical narrow angles and lead to 2 iridotomies to prevent Narrow Angle Glaucoma (or Acute Angle Glaucoma). The doctor who prescribed the drug did not know this would be a problem, nor did I. But my ophthalmologist sure did when I went in to see him after being on the drug for 6 months. SURPRISE!!! He explained that Topamax is one of the only drugs that has a strong and direct link to Narrow Angle Glaucoma. Well, how about that? Obviously, the drugs currently on the market do not help the weight issue. Most will only make you sick in other ways.
As you can see, the only consistency in my weight is the following:
If I lose the weight through ANY method, it comes back relatively quickly and brings more with it when it shows up.
THE. STRUGGLE. IS. REAL.
I am not the only person who struggles with this. It is amazing to me that I am more of the norm than the exception. I don't know why there isn't true and real help with this problem. There is a safe and effective drug for just about everything in the realm of the human condition EXCEPT a safe and effective drug to lose weight and keep it off. Seems to me that if they could conquer this, it would help with a myriad of other ailments. But, I digress.
I won't go into just how many times I have lost and gained an unhealthy amount of weight. Like I said, it is my struggle. I'm sure I've done some long term damage to my health, but you know, I can only move forward.
Back to the issues at hand today, this day in time, not yesterday, not tomorrow.......TODAY.
God....all this writing about this has made me hungry! See.....here I go again. I shall return.
I return....all this writing about food and activity set me on a binge! Even though I have been pretty good since the first of the year, here I am in the cycle again. This is simply madness. I'm 57 years old and how many more years do I want to live like this?
My God, I am tired. I am defeated. I am confused.
No - I don't want to go keto/paleo/Atkins....I hate the world when I cut out bread and crackers. It makes me uncomfortable and I just gain any weight back after I stop eating that way.
No - I don't want to weigh and measure every damn thing.
No - I don't want to go to meetings. In general, I hate people.
No - I don't want to go to Jenny Craig or Nutri-system and spend a fucking fortune on pre-packaged meals only to be hungry.
No - I don't want to spend every waking hour thinking about food.
No - I don't want to binge anymore.
No - I don't want to hate my body anymore.
No - I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life.
Yes - I just want to be comfortable with myself, my body, my health, my life, and accept who I am in this moment.
That last one is a foreign concept to me.
Well, it seems the universe reached out to me. I have read a plethora of articles and books on the subject of weight through the years. Whether it helps or doesn't help I thought I would share.
Here is another "interesting" article to give my brain more confusion.
Lamenting over for today. No mysteries solved. No questions answered.
I do think I will take the dogs for a short walk....in the rain.
That is all.