The Story of a NO Legged Man In Our Bushes - No, REALLY!

This was originally a FB post from May 2, 2017

A little story about early, EARLY last Sunday morning (April 30, 2017).....

We noticed Saturday night that our neighbors across the street were having a party. No big deal. Lots of cars, but no problems at all.

At about 3:25 am on Sunday morning, Birdie barks. It is highly unusual for the dogs to bark in the middle of the night like that unless they heard something. Since our neighborhood is a lot more dense with heavier traffic than our previous residence, the sheer fact that after only 2 years here they don't bark while we are asleep is a miracle. But I digress.

Birdie barks, but I don't hear the first one, only the second bark. Sound sleeper that I am, paired with the fact that both of us wear CPAP machines, I think Ken's bolt out of bed woke me more than the bark.

When I woke up in a fog, here is the exchange between Ken and me:


Ken: (standing at the bedroom window facing the street and the neighbors' house across the street....CPAP mask still attached to his face) answer.......silence.....

I see him staring, eyes glued to the event that I still don't understand.

Me: (louder) WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON????

Ken: seems there is a one legged mother fucker with a metal leg that just ran from the bushes out front.....the area right against the house near the outside artwork. He ran from there down Betty's (neighbor) driveway headed across the street to the house where the party is....or was.

Me: WHAT??? He only had one leg? And he was running? With only 1 leg? WHAT??? How??? WHAT????

Ken: I'm telling you.....the guy had one leg and a metal thing...I guess prosthetic... on his left leg and yes, he was running across the street. And there was a car parked in front of our house and he ran past it to the neighbors' yard and the white car took off. The house across the street is dark but he ran in that direction and I guess he went inside that house. Or he is hiding over there. I'm going out front with the dogs to see what he did. I don't know if he was drunk and decided to piss on your artwork or the bushes or .....I don't know what the fuck he was doing, but I'm telling you I saw him.

Me: I believe you. I'm just stunned and confused. I'm stuck on the one legged man running. Can't get past it.

Ken: (exasperation from the exchange, apprehension about his impending duty, frustration that I'm stuck on the description of the one legged man running and not sure that he has convinced me) I'm going outside (he grabs his club and heads down the stairs, dogs not far behind)

I do my best to balance on the bed to peer out the window to check on him. Remember, I have a bum leg. Don't ask me why I didn't just get out of the bed and hobble over to the same window he was looking out of. Like I said...I was stunned, confused and still trying to figure out the one legged man...running. I see Ken pacing and inspecting the front garden. The dogs are at the edge of the invisible fence border looking across the street....I think....I can't see them very well with no glasses. I realize I'm no help and Ken seems in no danger so I sit back down on the bed and wait.

Ken returns back upstairs and stands by the bed.

Ken: I don't know what to do.

Me: Call the police?

Ken: And tell them what? A one legged man with a metal prosthetic ran from our yard but did no damage?

Ken & Me: pondering with no words.......crickets.....

Me: What is that guy's name who owns the house?

Ken: (reaching back into his memory from meeting him once) says the guy's name.

Me: Do you have his phone number?

Ken: No.

Me: Should we try to look him up and call him to see if the one legged man is a guest?

Ken: I don't know.

Me: Are the doors locked?

Ken: Yes.

Me: Well it seems the dogs are back asleep on their beds so I guess we try to sleep and look him up tomorrow?

Ken & Me: (staring at each other).....silence.....crickets.....

Ken: I really did see him.

Me: I know you did. I'm not questioning the event, I just truly don't know what to do. If we call the police there will be quite a wait, since this isn't a 911 kind of call. Then there is all the filing of the report etc. I'll do whatever you want to do. I just don't know what the right thing is.

Ken: I guess we just try to sleep and deal with it tomorrow.

As you have guessed, we got NO sleep. What a weird ass night. __________ Cut to last night, Monday May 1, 2017.


Ken: So...I saw the neighbor this morning and I pulled over and spoke to him about it.

Me: Really? What did he say?

Ken: I said to the guy.....So, I saw that you had a party Saturday night.

Neighbor: Yeah, we did. Were we too noisy? Did we disturb you?

Ken: No. The party and the cars were absolutely fine. We have no problem with any of it. But what I do have a problem with may have been one of your guests. Did you have a guy over with one leg and a metal prosthetic?

Neighbor: Yes. And actually he has two prosthetics.

Ken: That's nice. Well, like I said, the party was fine.

But I've got a REAL problem with that guy up in my yard, in my bushes next to my house and either pissing there or on my wife's artwork or doing something. Maybe he's an art critic or a really drunk guy that thought pissing in my bushes was more acceptable than yours....I don't know. But I've got a real problem with that.

Neighbor: Of course you do! My God! That is totally unacceptable. That reflects poorly on me and my wife! Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll call him today. That is really, really weird.

Ken: Yes....weird it is. We don't have a problem at all with you and your wife. I'm sure sober, the guy is perfectly nice and knows to use a bathroom to relieve himself. However, please take care of this.

Moral to this careful who you invite to your house to party with. Make sure they are sober when they leave. And apparently ask them all if they need to use the bathroom before departing. Oy.

That is all. Carry on.

UPDATE (Shortly after):

Further Update.

Neighbor just dropped by 5 minutes ago. Apologized profusely again. Turns out the guy in the yard had a drink or two and was trying to rest before leaving in the car. Let the liquor settle. The reason he was in our yard was he was looking for his puppy that scampered away from him. That's the story. I asked if the guy was a war veteran since he was a double amputee and he said no. The guy had a really bad car accident several years back and went through a year of trying to save his legs. But the infections and pain were too much for a lifetime of hurt. So he made the decision to have them removed. By doing that, he had the option of doing a specific procedure that allows the doctors to save the nerves and tuck them in a way that prevents phantom limb issues later on. Interesting.

So, the guy found the puppy, got home safe and all is well in Sanderson land. But 3:25 am....that was a weird ass story. ;-)

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