2016 FaceBook Posts That Entertained Me and Reminded Me...I think too much.


I understand that many folks don't give a rat's ass about their old FaceBook posts. I shouldn't, but in the spirit of looking back over my life (in 10 year chunks), I found these posts say a lot about me: the good, the bad, and the sometimes funny. Since FaceBook can be such a big brain drain, am I wrong to want all that time well wasted to mean something now?


Since I am collecting my life in this blog, I am going to revisit those posts here. I pulled a few out and made them their own blog posts, but I'm just going to combine these. No, I didn't post them all (I can be quite verbose and overly prolific in my need to express my thoughts and frustrations). I tried to weed out at least some of the "meh" ones, the abundant political ones** , and the re-posts (shares) that weren't mine to begin with. I also deleted the comments of others on every post with the exception of 2. I used only the commentators initials to disguise the innocent. No need to drag others into this...whatever it is.


You're welcome....or I'm sorry....whatever applies.


**Regarding the absence of most of the political FB posts here in this retrospective: 2016 was THAT election year. Let me just say, the fall of 2016 was not pretty on my FB page. I was thinking of few things other than the election from the month of October, 2016 until the election day November 8 ....and it showed. Sure, I posted political things through the year and the primaries, but it was thick starting in October, 2016. I'll not rehash it but suffice it to say, I posted prolifically on FB until November 8, 2016. After that date, I did not post until the day after the Women's march which was January 21, 2017. I then tried to use my voice by showing up. I protested, I marched, I called, I wrote letters, but I realized by late in 2017, that nobody wants to hear what I have to say. And really, truly, it doesn't make anything better or changes 1 damn thing. So I just move the fuck on.


November 8, 2016



#nastywoman handmade t-shirt with sharpie pens. Copyright 2016 Marla Baxter Sanderson - SockOnARooster

Day 8:

I'm thankful that it is election day and hopefully this shit will be over tonight. #lovetrumpshate.

That is all.

Carry on.










November 7, 2016


Day 7: I'm grateful for a creative mind. There are many with creative minds out there. I believe there's at least a little creativity in almost every human walking the earth. Some know how to tap into that side of their minds and some prefer not to.

Having said that, let me clarify further. There is creativity and there is execution of the creative idea. I may have 12 creative ideas in any given day, but may not execute even one of them. Just like things sometimes look better on paper, many things look better in my brain. Plus, my skill set is limited. Funds are limited. Time is limited. Good ideas don't necessarily equal good execution. I wonder if that is the difference between a day dreamer and an artist - execution.

Anyway, I am grateful for a creative mind. I get it from my mom. I've been told I also get it from my biological father. Although my mom doesn't think of herself that way, she is very creative. She comes up with ideas and practical ways to solve problems every day. Lucky for us, she passed it to all 5 of her children who then passed it to their children. May the circle never be broken.

That is all. Carry on.


November 6, 2016


Day 6: I'm thankful for a nice husband. I'm not going to get all mushy here and make anyone think I have a perfect marriage. No one does. But, Ken is a truly good person. Although he isn't always appreciated for this, Ken will do anything for anyone. He will do his level best to protect, defend and sing the praises of his co-workers, friends and family. He gives everything he has to his work and is sincerely respectful and loyal. He always does the right thing, even if it isn't the easy thing, and even if he isn't supported in such decisions. He can hold his own with people from all walks of life. Being in IT for his long career, his skill of explaining complex processes to anyone from the intern to the CEO in a patient, thoughtful manner, with no condescension, has served him well. Like I said, he's a genuinely nice person.

At the end of the day, Ken is a true Mensch. He deserves the best in life. He does not deserve to live in periods of prolonged stress. But even when he does, he relies on his wicked sense of humor to carry him through.

Few of us really say what needs to be said to the ones we love. We assume they know how we feel....how we see them. Yet few of us really understand how we are seen by others. Just how huge has the communication gap become among most of us? Despite the annoying bullshit of living with another human for decades, it can be so much easier to dwell on the negative sides of each other. Why is that? Why is it easier to bitch and moan, bicker and fight, than it is to explain and articulate the good qualities we see in each other? I guess that's one of those philosophical questions that is too deep for a Facebook post.

That is all. Carry on.


November 5, 2016


Day 5: I'm thankful for my health. Yeah, my weight is an issue, but overall I'm pretty healthy. I need to try my best to be more appreciative.


November 4, 2016


Day 4: It's silly really, but I am very thankful for technology and social media. In particular, Facebook and Instagram. I use these platforms to express myself....to quiet the voices in my head. I know I'm not alone in this exercise.

These posts that I make, on a semi-regular basis, provide comfort to me. For me, that is the point of doing it. Some of you may be offended by what I have to say and, most especially, how I say it. I don't do it to please or offend any one of you kind people. I do it for me. The fact that many of you read my thoughts and agree with me, support my opinions, and enjoy my posts is a gift and a BIG bonus.

Those of us who enjoy writing, photography, and other creative pursuits can use social media to test the waters or just work on phrasing, content etc. Believe it or not, posting photos or content makes me think. I'm not saying it is a purely intellectual pursuit, but there's something to be said about the personal feelings I have when I employ the ability to express myself well. I may not mention every detail of my troubles, or my joys, but I do share a great deal of my life with you all.

I dare say, that the friends who read what I write or see my photos know things I'm thinking or doing before my husband does. He doesn't participate in any social media and isn't fond of any of it. That's his right, and it's fine with me. Many times friends in the real world who follow me will mention things they read or saw to him and he comes to me "to inquire ". It's all good. If I told him every thought I was having at precisely the moment I had it, he couldn't think straight. For that reason, I'm sure he would put social media on his thankful list too.

It is amazing to me that I can stay connected with folks without talking on the phone anymore. I HATE talking on the phone. So, I'm very grateful for technology for that reason AND I am VERY grateful that I no longer have to breathe caustic fumes in a darkroom to explore photography.

That is all. Carry on.


November 3, 2016


I meant to post this over a week ago, but I guess is it better late than never. I wanted to give a big thank you to Tim McGraw (Humble and Kind) and Eric Church (Kill a Word) for releasing two songs that are all about KINDNESS.

It is a good reminder for all of us.

That is all. Carry on.

P.S. I know there are more that I have forgotten about. Feel free to remind me.....


November 3, 2016


Day 3: Much to be thankful for today.

I am truly grateful my husband has a good job that has great benefits. Being able to attend exciting events for years is something that few get to do and I am sincerely thankful for the experiences.

Last night's 50th Anniversary of the CMA Awards was formal and black tie. THANKFULLY I had something to wear that I've owned for years. It fit and I only had to buy pantyhose. As weird as that sounds, that was a HUGE gift.

And, best of all, Susan and I had her super, duper, Uber driver to drop us off and pick us up after the after-party. Again, I am VERY grateful for this because it relieves a ton of stress from me and reduces the odds of me having a full blown panic attack. Thank you again, Bill.

Oh, and THE CUBS WON!!! I'm not a huge baseball fan. Rarely watch it. However, I do watch the World Series most years. Last night's CMA broadcast had to compete with Game 7. I can honestly say that the majority of the people in that arena were rooting for the Cubs. It was really amazing. So many of us got to know our seat mates because we were all keeping up with the score through our phones and we were spreading the news with each other. For the lucky people, like me, who have family who reside in Chicago, there was much texting going on. I am thankful for such magical technology that allows me to share both the Awards ceremony AND Game 7 of the World Series with family. That was a fun night. Bridgestone had the game on every TV in the corridors. After the ceremony was over, we all gathered around the TV to catch a few minutes of the game. That really added something special to the night.

And, for some reason, the fact that this much loved team achieved a goal that seemed so far out of reach for OVER A CENTURY, really gives me hope. Must be special because, like I said, I am not a huge baseball fan and even I feel how special this is.

Now....I am going to do my best to NOT watch any news.....NOT read anything negative....and NOT think about this fucking election. I want to enjoy this high while it lasts.

That is all. Carry on


November 2, 2016


Cubs won. There is hope for the world. That is all. Carry on.


November 2, 2016


Day 2:

Thank you, passing skunk, for blowing a kiss very close to my back door last night, but not so close that it actually touched the structure. So sweet of you. Mercifully, the thick acrid fumes that overwhelmed the interior of my entire house dissipated by 2 am this morning so I could finally fall asleep without my head pounding and a deep desire to puke.

I'm sincerely grateful this morning that lowering the thermostat on both of my ac units to 69 degrees and setting all ceiling fans on high helped eliminate the odor. Opening the windows was not an option. It was worse outside.

What a freaking weird ass night.

That is all. Carry on.


November 1, 2016

Marla and Janie are celebrating 7 years of friendship on Facebook!

Hey Mom! We've been friends for 7 whole years! Whodathunkit?! My how time flies;-) Seems like it's been over 54 years, yet it's only been 7! (I'm sure there is a dog/time analogy in there, but I'm sure no one will dare make it ;-) )


November 1, 2016


Just saw a friend's post that inspired me. He is posting one thing he is thankful for every day up until Thanksgiving day. He was inspired by a friend of his who did the same last year. So Daniel B, I think I'll give it a whirl too. It will be interesting to see if I can remember to do it every day. Today, I am most thankful that my mom, Janie Eller is well. It's been a tough year for her and the family. However, she is very close to her old self. I can't tell you just how thankful I am for that.


October 26, 2016


After years....too many to count....of "hovering" in a public restroom, it dawned on me one day that my bad knee would no longer allow it. Not to mention, my aim is no longer true. Thus, a question arose: Seriously, has it ever been proven that all this seat decorating with layers of toilet paper ever really protected any of us? Is there a ward in every major hospital full of patients sick with "the terrible toilets"? Yes, these are things that really go through my mind. And I'm not even drinking. That is all. Carry on.


October 1, 2016


Highly recommend, "Super Mensch". Shep Gordon..... The smart Forest Gump of the jet set. He took being at the right place at the right time to a whole new level. That is all. Carry on.

September 19, 2016


I have a confession to make. When I drive into a parking lot of a grocery store, or big box store, I always park in random places at random times. When I come out of said retail establishment, pushing a cart of "WhateverTheHellIBuy" I always think to myself, "Self...why the fuck do you not make sure to park near a cart corral?" Which is followed by the thought, "Seriously, is it so hard to remember to park near the cart corral?" Answer to the questions, apparently, it is that difficult. I never remember. And I am always flabbergasted by the fact that I never remember.

Thought you should know.

That is all.

Carry on.

September 16, 2016


Let me say this about that. I'm about to lay some heresy up in here and down in there. That last Star Wars had no soul. Weak plot. Lousy writing. It was like watching an MTV version of a Hallmark card written as a retrospective to advertise Ancestry.com.

Post your angry comments below.

That is all.

Carry on.


September 11, 2016


Thought I would share again..... (see below)*

It's Janie Eller's 76th birthday, and although the sentiments I posted 6 years ago are still true, I am so happy and relieved that Mom is feeling better and more like herself that I feel this is an amazing day and it makes me happy just to know that somewhere, in the State of Texas, a Red Lobster's "All you can eat shrimp" will be enjoyed. After the last 9 plus months, it is well deserved! Happy Birthday, Mamacita!

*Memory shared: "Marla Baxter Sanderson shared a memory from September 11, 2010:

It is my Mom's 70th Birthday today. I hope she has a wonderful day. Can you imagine having this day as your Birthday? So in her honor, I refuse to watch the media circus and refuse to have my emotions manipulated by "Bubble Headed Bleach Blondes" who have nothing substantive to add to society. I'm sorry for what happened, I think about it every damn day and I don't need the media to tell me how to freaking feel."


August 31, 2016


Happy Adversary to the love of my life.....the yin to my yang.....the wind beneath my elliptical....the fiber of my........ 19 years.....whodathunkit?!

I love him. I think I'll keep him.

Because I ain't moving again.

That is all.

Carry on.


August 13, 2016


Ken and I were out doing the "Saturday-retail-return-event" (When you stage a house, this is a thing. Soon to be an Olympic sport.... You heard it here first.) As we were waiting in traffic, we observed the dodging and darting of the fellow drivers who were not even pretending to share the road. Strangely, we both simultaneously realized we need a new app. Our apps differ, but are equal in their usefulness.

Ken: I need to write an app...

Me: Me too! Instead of finding Pokémon characters, the app spots assholes and you can blow them up.

Ken: No. That's too easy. The user would see them everywhere.

Me: That's true.

Ken: My app would be installed on all cell phones. If you text and drive, the app gives you a notice that your phone will blow up in one minute. And then.... It does.

Me: Nice...... and scene.

That is all.

Carry on.

August 10, 2016


Tonight, I got creative with the grill (beyond getting it lit... That's another story). I remembered one of those 'Splendid Table', episodes on NPR where some foodie talked about grilling fruit. She made it sound so succulent... So satisfying.... So delicious (good times, good times....)that it rivaled Shweaty Balls and Dusty Muffin. Well I can honestly say.... Eh, it was....... Ok?...... If you like soggy fruit that tasted like a steak molested it. Just drink more wine while grilling. It is more satisfying.

That is all.

Carry on.


August 8, 2016


OK. Here's the thing. I have discussed this on FB before, but I'm going to do it again. I don't remember what the comments were so.... I have been too busy to get to the salon. I have an appointment on Wednesday. Even though my hairdresser has told me many times, she WON'T let me go gray (She doesn't like gray hair and thinks everyone would look younger without it. She isn't wrong.), I'm still thinking about it. My roots are probably right at 1 inch now and there is white, gray, brown....a veritable cornucopia of colors that signify I'm old. And I kind of want to know what it looks like. My curiosity may scare my husband and all my friends, but I'm very curious. I can always color it again. Of course, then it really looks weird when you go from gray to not gray....but, who the hell am I kidding? I'm 54. I'm not getting any younger. And although my hairdresser is VERY well priced, I'm still spending $100 a month on hair...... HAIR. H.A.I.R!!! (that word looks weird). Not to mention the time it takes.

So....what say you? Have you thought of seeing what the real you looks like?

That is all.

Carry on.


August 2, 2016


2 minutes ago..... Cell phone rings.


Me: "You Need A Drink, this is Marla."


RoboCaller: Some guy with a brash voice..... "I'm going to win in November!"


Me: ....Silence......


RoboCaller: Some other guy with a scary voice...."We MUST defeat Hillary Clinton! Donald Trump is no longer self financing his campaign! We NEED Emergency donations NOW! If you give $25, we will give you a Trump sticker. If you give $100 we'll give you a T-Shirt. If you are generous enough to make a $1,000 donation, we will send you a signed photograph of Donald Trump himself!"


Me:....Silence....


RoboCaller: "PRESS 1 NOW!"


Me:.....Silence.....


RoboCaller: "PLEASE PRESS 1 NOW!"


I didn't press 1. I pressed 9 to unsubscribe. However, it just hung up on me. This is what you get for voting in the GOP primary within the last 5 years.

Lesson Learned.

That is all.

Carry on.


July 19, 2016


Ken's on the way to work and calls me with pure delight in his voice. He tells me that it is all over NPR....even the LOCAL segment of NPR.... Melania Trump plagiarized that speech she so confidently gave last night. I only caught the tail end of it last night.

Since I hadn't looked at FB yet, I asked...."you think this will be a thing?"


He laughed and said, "Even the LOCAL NPR is talking about it! Yes....it's a thing. They are even playing excerpts of Michelle giving it and comparing it to Melania's version....and only a few words are different".

So here I am on FB seeing my peeps make funnies. It's a real thing. Delight is shared.

Some of my favorite posts about it:


"No doubt Republicans in Congress will spend the next four years investigating how Michelle Obama managed to plagiarize Melania Trump's speech eight years before she gave it. Wait, maybe this is what was in Hillary's emails?"SM

"What I find most baffling is that a wealthy white person would just take something from a black person without even asking #MelaniaSpeeches " LBW

Yes, DELIGHT is shared, indeed.


That is all.

Carry on


July 1, 2016


It is a BIG TGIF in all of Nashville, my friends. Wine is FINALLY available for sale in the grocery stores! I heard the first guy to buy a bottle was at the Green Hills Kroger at 8 am this morning. He wanted to be first, for the keepsake receipt. How desperate are we? That desperate.

That is all.

Carry on.

CHEERS!!


June 22, 2016


I'm not ashamed to tell all of you good people a simple fact. I prefer a screw top on my wine. That is all.

Carry on.


June 20, 2016


I want to remind all my friends, far and wide, of something that is very true. If you are dissatisfied with treatment from any company or ever need ANY HELP related to customer service; be it in the health care community, property management, retail, etc, do not forget that every company has a FaceBook page, Twitter account and the like. There is no need for your local news station anymore. All you need is a chain of command, quick typing fingers, firm and direct writing style with a touch of humor, and willingness to earn the honor of the title BITCH. You'll be shocked at how quickly people respond. I may not be successful in my latest endeavor, but you know what, I am attempting to prove the phrase, "Bitches get shit done".


P.S. You remember my rant about the Charmin Toilet Paper towers that are being sold at Costco? Yeah...anyone noticed that they have gone back to manageable packaging now?

You're welcome ;-)


(I'm sure I just was one of many who voiced "concerns").


That is all.

Carry on.


June 10, 2016


Let me say this about that..... Day two of the marathon that is CMA Fest. The people watching is a fun part of the experience. So.... With this past time comes a very important question....... What is up with young girls wearing shorts so short that their very cute, round, firm asses are literally hanging the Fuck out? I can admire beautiful legs with the best of them, but seriously sweeties.... Leave some mystery. However, at least it is covering more than a thong. There is that.

That is all.

Carry on.


June 9, 2016


MargaritaEmergency! ........ Margarita emergency!

Back "stage" at CMA Fest. #whewthatwasacloseone


May 27, 2016


Did you ever have one of those days where it seems you have dropped just about everything you picked up? Here's the problem with this: By the time you figure out that you are having one of those days, you have already broken a plethora of items. The declaration is made at the end of a series of unfortunate incidents, rarely after the first item.


By the way... Why does super glue stick better to your fingers than it does to the item you are trying to fix?


Don't ask me how I know all this. Thought you should know.


That is all.

Carry on.


May 13, 2016


How many times during one's life can one lose their car in the Costco parking lot?


May 11, 2016


As is always the way at times like these, we can't remember if we contacted everyone who needed to know.....pardon the post:


Dorothy's service will be at 10:30 am on Friday, May 13, at Congregation Micah. There will be a kiddush after the service, also at Micah. In lieu of flowers, we are requesting donations to be made to either Alive Hospice or Caris Hospice, both in Nashville, TN.

That is all.

Carry on.


May 10, 2016


Dorothy Sanderson circa 1960's. Hand Tinted Black and White Photograph. Copyright by photographer. No use without permission from Marla Baxter Sanderson - SockOnARooster.com

Rest in Peace, Dorothy. You had the strongest will, the strongest convictions, and the strongest heart of anyone I've known. You were loved. I'll look after the boys. You don't have to worry anymore. I love you.


















May 5, 2016


I felt a tiny burst of burning pain in my thumb as I was holding my Styrofoam coffee cup. I couldn't figure it out. I kept inspecting the cup. What was this? Then I found it....there's a tiny hole in the side wall of the cup and the hot liquid is leaking out, drop by drop, burning my thumb as it escapes the cup. Normal people would dump the cup of coffee and start over. But that requires too much foot travel and effort. I just drink it faster. Makes me feel alive. That is all.

Carry on.


April 27, 2016


Saw a bumper sticker yesterday that read, "Oh NO! Not ANOTHER teachable moment!" Werd....to yo mama.

That is all.

Carry on.


April 26, 2016


My mac just popped up and told me that tomorrow is Professional's Day. I believe I shall professionally drink.

That is all.

Carry on.


April 26, 2016


There is a dead deer in the gully in front of Taylor Swift's house. The vultures are starting to visit. Is it wrong of me to feel an odd comfort in the fact that even T. Swift can't get tax paid services from Metro? Incompetence knows no bounds.

Thought you should know.

P. S. I know there is a pun or a joke in there somewhere but I can't think of it. I think it is connected to the cyberterm #squad.....


April 21, 2016


FYI, in case you wondered, I bought Ken a butt load of hats for his birthday. I wanted him to be able to shop for hats and try them on in the comfort of his home. I thought that would be fun for him.


I have bought hats from Zappos.com and Hats in the Belfry for years. Zappos.com is more convenient because you can try them on and ship them back with free shipping both ways. However, I won't buy hats from them anymore. EVERY HAT except 1 (that didn't fit him) came in crushed. They packed them in boxes that were too small. But if that wasn't bad enough, I swear to you, it looked like they CRUSHED the hats BEFORE they put them in the boxes. I was SO disappointed. I'm not talking a dent or two....I'm talking CRUSHED with no hope of repair.


spent a lot of time on the phone with Zappos to get credit and report all this. They do have good customer service. The lady on the phone was very nice. She is going to replace them. I am going to send pictures of the crushed hats. What do you want to bet the next shipment from them would be crushed too? Now, since they gave me advanced credit on the return AND gave me a $100 gift certificate, I have a twinge of guilt by giving them bad reviews on the items. But I do believe that others should know the problem with hats from Zappos.


So I'm in a quandary. As a business owner, I'm always cautious with bad reviews. However....this crap was ridiculous. I remember they sent us a load of a few crushed before. I gave them another chance. But even with all this.....NO MORE HATS FROM ZAPPOS!


Thought you should know.


April 21, 2016


Life is like a party and parties weren't meant to last.

That is all.

Carry on.


April 21, 2016


OMG. I had to pull the car over! Prince has died. PRINCE! He was only 57. Hell, I feel like a close friend died. So sad.


April 21, 2016


Happy Birthday to Ken. He started his day with a breakfast of all Jewish champions, homemade matzo brei.....with bacon (because we are an equal opportunity household). Hope he has a good day.

That is all.

Carry on.


April 19, 2016


Upon further examination of my current girth, I know for certain that I am packed by both weight and volume.

That is all.

Carry on.


April 3, 2016


Sunday morning conversation while watching Hillary speak on "Meet the Press":


Ken: Look how round her face is!


Me: Her hair looks nice.


....a moment of silence.....


Me: They need to have a better camera angle.


....a moment of silence....


Me: However, we wouldn't be talking about this if it was one of the men. No one mentions bad camera angles for Bernie.


Ken: ...scoffing....You always say that stuff. Why is everything either Male or Female?


Me: Because it is.


and scene.


That is all.


Carry on.


March 26, 2016

I appreciate Auto Correct. However, it just reminds me that I'm no longer the good speller that I was in my youth.

That is awl.

Carree on.


March 24, 2016


If you want to learn a lot about the humanity of your neighbors, or the lack thereof, attend a Community Planning meeting. If there is the possibility of a proposed school being built on a site adjacent to homes worth close to $2 million, even more insightful.

That is all.

Carry on.


March 18, 2016


My fucking afternoon:

1.) Cable goes down. Therefore, all phones are down.

2.) Internet down.

3.) Cell phone won't connect to anything because we have a Verizon extender. No internet, apparently I have to leave the house to use cell phone.

4.) Finally get internet back, Cable, phones and cell phone

5.) Suspicious email from my shopping cart people.

6.) Suspicious warning on my admin area that blocks all access to the admin area.

7.) On hold for over 1 hour with my shopping cart support.

8.) CS rep says he can't hear me, hangs up on me and tells me to call back.....to get in another long queue. No thanks.

9.) Try to email one of the higher ups.

10.) He returns the email, and tells me he sent me instructions to fix the cart. "Just open the new email and click the link", he says.

11.) My email goes down.

12.) Ken remotes into my computer twice trying to help.

13.) Email the higher up trying to get that "helpful" email since it never arrived.

14.) Still no email.

15.) Cable/Landline phone rings. Supposed to forward to my cell.

16.) The phone won't forward to my cell.

17.) I'm in the market for a prescription to "fuckitol" and a gallon jug of wine.

That is all.

Carry on.


March 17, 2016


FYI, if anyone follows me on Instagram, I changed my name from BAXTERBLOGS to SOCKONAROOSTER.

That is all.

Carry on.

There is a story behind this vintage typewriter picture and text. I'll tell you some day. Copyright 2012 Marla Baxter Sanderson - SockOnARooster.com


March 15, 2016 (I pulled the following out and made it a separate post...because I can)


So, how have I spent my birthday? Glad you asked.

Get ready...


After returning from the warehouse, I thought I would watch a movie. I haven't snuck in a good movie during the day in many moons. I watched "Wild".

Let me just say, it ain't a birthday unless Marlo is balling.


Tears: check.


After the movie, I decided to shake out some rugs to put on a load of laundry. The dogs had been nice and quiet on their beds while I indulged in the "tearjerker". But, when I walked out to shake the first rug, I heard a **woosh** as they sped by me. They FLEW out the doggie door. I wasn't sure what got them to move that quickly. And then, all at once I heard cluck, Cluck, CLuck, CLUck, CLUCk, CLUCK!!!! Chickens in distress!!! I drop the rugs and start screaming at the dogs with such force that I felt my vocal cords vibrate. It was a "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" in the wail of a woman trying to save a child. It was so high pitched that I surprised even myself. And I couldn't stop screaming. I'm surprised the neighbors didn't call the cops. I sounded like I was being murdered, or was trying to stop a murder.....and I was.


The dogs are racing around the yard in that low, hyper-focused, prowling, pouncing position not unlike that of a scene from Mutual of Omaha's "Wild Kingdom" *. The chickens, 6 CHICKENS to be exact, were FLYING trying to get away. 5 of them seemed to instinctively know to fly back over the Invisible Fencing line to be safe. However, the 6th chicken, apparently did not get the evacuation plan memo. She was screaming as loudly as I was and feathers were flying EVERYWHERE. The more I screamed and chased the dogs, the less they listened to me. Birdie, doing what she does, was cornering the bird to the front and Bailey was snapping at its tail feathers. I COULD NOT STOP THEM. I can tell you now, even Marlin Perkins* could not have narrated this scene calmly. There was no way that poor chicken was going to "take a lickin' and keep on tickin'* " (insert your favorite chicken puns here...go ahead....get them off your chest). Luckily, Birdie looked up at me screaming just long enough for the chicken to jump/fly from the retaining wall on to the driveway. Chicken headed for the carport! I followed, Birdie followed, Bailey followed.....I'm still screaming NOOOOOOOOO!


Finally, the bird wedged itself next to the wall of the carport and stuck its head behind some plastic bottles of driveway salt. I was able to get to it first with Birdie behind me and Bailey running around the front of my parked car, headed for the bird. As I started to bend over the bird, I grabbed the broom and hit both Bailey and Birdie with it yelling, "STAY BACK YOU FUCKERS!!!!".


Yes....turn me in to the Humane Society. I was trying to stop the FuckingMutantHunterKujoBeasts.


I picked the bird up and mind you....I HAVE NEVER HELD A LIVE CHICKEN BEFORE. I'm a city girl. Chicken comes packaged in a foam tray, lying on some grocery store Meat-Kotex, wrapped in Saran Wrap with a big ol' price tag stuck on the front....the way God intended. However, as I stroked the scared little thing, I tried to calmly tell it I was here, I was going to protect it, those FUCKINGMUTANTHUNTERKUJOBEASTS were not going to hurt it. I turned, chicken in hand and screamed at both of those FUCKING dogs to get away....."GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME AND THIS SCARED ASS CHICKEN!!!" (As you can tell, I'm becoming tired of being a barnyard keeper of dogs who DESTROY EVERYTHING. Normally, I love them. Today....not so much.)


So, I stand there, in the driveway, crying my eyes out, telling the bird its going to be OK. I start up the back yard that is filled...FILLED...with freshly thrown grass seed and straw that was placed yesterday. Gee, wonder what was so enticing that the chickens were willing to forget the FUCKINGMUTANTHUNTERKUJOBEASTS to peck at my backyard? Yummy grass seed and fresh straw. But I digress. I wade through the mud, straw and grass seed to my neighbor's house. I'm still balling, stroking the chicken. As I get to the top of a rise in the back of the property, I see the street adjacent to mine in the short distance ahead. Then I see a lady wearing white stopping to watch me.

Then I hear the nice woman yelling from the street, "Honey! Are you OK?"


I yell back, through copious tears, "I'm not sure!"


She walks up the neighbor's driveway to meet me in their backyard (our backyard touches 2 other backyards with no fencing).

I ask, "Do you think they are home (the chicken parents)?"


She just hugged me and said, "Honey. You are so upset! Bless your heart. Let me knock and find her."


Luckily, the neighbors were home. I returned the scared chicken. We all talked about it. Jennifer, the chicken owner, hugged me, calmed me down and took full responsibility for having them out. Turns out that Bailey nipped her tail feathers and got a chunk of chicken. So, there was chicken blood and a cut place on the chicken where the missing tail feathers were. She told me the chicken's name and I've already forgotten it.

She should re-name it LUCKY.


Chicken was a hen and a "great producer". She lets them out in the afternoon and they have been so good not to go over to our house. She has been trying to keep an eye out for that. This is true. They used to come all the time when we were remodeling the house.....before the dogs lived here. I asked if the chicken's tail feathers will grow back. She didn't know. I apologized yet again. I made a deal with her. If she will text me that she wants them to "free range", I will keep the dogs in. That way they can enjoy the grass and not be murdered.


I walked home, still crying my eyes out. I sat. I called my Mom. Her voice sounded so much better, and she even said that she felt a lot better. That cheered me up.


Just another day, fruitcake.


That is all.

Carry on.


* If you don't get this reference, Google it. Those of a certain age will remember.


Responses:


LGBS - CLUCK, CLUCK, MOTHERFUCK! Open some birthday wine!


JBE - OMG. I'm in tears at the bar at Meso Maya. My brother is dying laughing. LONG LIVE THE CHICKEN.


MY REPLY TO JBE: Yeah, when I told Ken when he got home, he was laughing so hard it made me laugh. It's funny in retrospect. I bet to my neighbors, if they watched first hand, it was Hilarious!


BBW - I love you! You're my favorite fruitcake! Savior of the chicken! You just know Randy was watching along with Richard and Koobear and rolling !


BB - Uhhh. Hmmm. "Happy Birthday?"


JB - Priceless! I still have tears from laughing. I bet that chicken never lays another egg in this world! I really do believe it's safe to say nobody on Facebook (1.5 billion) had a better chicken adventure on their birthday! You saved her!My hero!


MY REPLY TO JB: Ken said, "when it comes to chicken escape, I'm sure they talk to each other and say, 'I don't have to be faster than the dog. I only have to out run Ralph!'" Ken wanted all to know that he came home early from work to take me to dinner. I had grilled chicken salad (extra irony,on the side). I guess I'm better.


JB REPLY TO ME: Love you, Ken!

MG - I think you need a birthday do-over that does not involve screaming, crying, chasing, chickens, dogs, brooms, hay, seed, cursing , feathers and blood........

KB - Omg. My stomach hurts. That's beyond Bloggess-Good storytelling.

MY REPLY TO KB: And you know that is the biggest compliment you could give me. Thanks for the gift!


KGF - You need to write a damn book. Best teller of of a story ever!


EAB - Wow! I went back and forth from being upset with you to laughing out loud! There must be someplace to publish this.


BW - Good exercise to recover from a tear jerker.


SH - OMG! I can't believe I missed this from yesterday! My phone was dead and I had it charging for hours and forgot about it. Please listen to my vm on your phone-it wasn't my fault, I tell ya!


MY REPLY TO SH: No problem!


March 13, 2016


Wow....I finally got home from a busy day and wanted to watch a little TV. Turned on the DVR and what do I find?

CBS Sunday Morning: Nothing but guns.

60 Minutes: End of life assisted suicide & Paris attacks with a side of terrorism control.

No more Downton Abbey.

No more Mad Men.

I do believe the universe is trying to tell me something.

That is all.

Carry on.


March 13, 2016


I don't know about the average FaceBooker, but I am tired of this, "It's not my fault" world we live in. It used to be, when dealing with customers, the line was, "I'm sorry ma'am/sir. I will make this right for you." Not anymore. "It's not my fault", is the default response to everything from buying a phone that actually works (tough job), to hearing our politicians. "It's not your fault", used to be the concession the customer/listener gave to the speaker as a reassuring gesture of understanding the situation. Now it is just one more excuse pouring from the mouths of the majority.

That is all.

Carry on.


March 5, 2016


PSA: When planning an evening of sitting in a recliner with a laptop on your belly, I highly recommend you fill your wine glass fuller than you normally would. This saves you from the hassle of getting up. Don't ask me how I know this.

That is all.

Carry on.


March 2, 2016


OK. I just can't. I just can't watch what is coming. At first I thought it wouldn't happen. At first I thought it would be the Democrats best chance. But now, to hear that disgusting waste of flesh, and all the disgusting alternatives to the disgusting waste of flesh, I truly wish they would just get to the heart of the matter. Instead of the GOP coming after each other for make-up, hand size and penis size, I want them to just tell it like it is.

New slogan for the GOP and the Trump Lovers out there:"VOTE FOR TRUMP! BECAUSE HITLER JUST WASN'T STRONG ENOUGH!"

That is all.

Carry on.


February 26, 2016


One more thing for "people of a certain age":

Am I the only person who struggles to spell the word "DYNAMITE" because of J.J. Walker and "Good Times"? #thestruggleisreal

February 26, 2016

You know you are close to exceeding your comprehension skills when you don't understand the instructions for the task at hand. #thestruggleisreal

That is all.

Carry On.


Responses:


JB - You read the instructions?! That is good to know!


MY RESPONSE TO JB: Normally, Although my husband accuses me of not, I do. And when it comes to my online shopping cart and making changes to that, I have to read some code. But the geeks on the other end of the help ticket don't read the ticket fully so they never give me the proper instructions.....or instructions that a normal person could understand. I've spent two days on something that could have taken 5 minutes. I spent 2 years on something THAT I JUST FIGURED OUT ALL BY MYSELF....no thanks to them. It wasn't a solid 2 years, but I started asking for help with the problem over 2 years ago. Well...you know how that worked out.


February 26, 2016


...and I figured it out. Yippee!


February 20, 2016

Feel the need to waste an entire Saturday? Just turn on "How It's Made". I dare you to get up off the chair. The TV has you under its power. However, when you are finally on your way to the bathroom (the only reason to get up), you realize you have NO memory of what you just saw. Information overload.

That is all.

Carry on.


January 22, 2016


I have to say, I'll be VERY glad when the "Tight Suit" goes out of style for men. Seriously, if I wanted to see that much junk, I'd get an old Sears Catalog and put it to good use. #overit That is all.

Carry on.


January 22, 2016


HOPE is a four letter word. So is WINE. I think you must consume one to possess the other. Other four letter words are optional.

That is all.

Carry on.

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